Your Place In The Void
It’s all meaningless, and insignificant… Isn’t that beautiful?
Without peeling back much of the facade in regards to my personal life, for the last few weeks, be it months, I’ve been overly consumed by pressures thrust upon by a single entity - myself. Indirect expectations that I believe in an incessant need to cling tightly to. The majority of them are outside influences; societal in one way or another. In the past, these influences have played a lightweight role in my life decisions - pellucid, but I’ve been aware of their presence. As of late, they’ve metastasized into an abhorrent amalgamation, a crippling grasp affecting my decision making and day-to-day thought process. It’s significantly unhealthy, and has been a thief of joy in situations where my mind should just… relax. Compiling & compounding of grief, self-worth/doubt, and whatever crux you’d like to throw into the cocktail. Life is weird.
“T👏H👏E👏R👏A👏P👏Y” someone yells from the back of the room. Yep, don’t worry, I’m in it, on it, all over it. My therapist is a saint for the existential mess spewed from my lips every week, who then challenges my somewhat backwards thinking. Highly recommend, 10/10, please go.
(A not not hot take - If the word ‘therapy’ makes you wince, you should probably attend.)
Despite how lovely and therapeutic the experience of therapy can be, it doesn’t solve the issues solely alone - there’s work to be done by the attendee. While the barriers and walls can be cracked, revealing light from the exterior of the issues, an extra push is necessary for a breakthrough.
A few days ago, I made a promise to myself (and therapist… and significant other) to relieve the pressure valve, and invest some time for myself. Cooking has always been a root distraction to me - a perfect time to play music and envelop oneself in all of the senses. Feeling a tinge of displacement bubble up during the process, I decided to throw on “Go Further In Lightness” by Gang of Youths, an incredible album from 2017 that has become a comfort over the last few years. Dave Le’aupepe, the frontman for the band, draws parallels of existential dread and his quest for meaning in life throughout the records - something I can easily relate to at the given moment. Ok, let’s face it, everyday.
As the smell of browned butter, garlic, and rosemary filled the apartment, the song ‘The Deepest Sighs, The Frankest Shadows’ began, occupying the remaining space.
The lyrics snuck into my ears, and curiosity behind the meaning of the song began to spring. Catching a break waiting for the cream sauce to thicken, I had a few minutes to dive into the background of the song. Via Genius.com, I came across a quote from Dave Le’aupepe himself:
“This song came about after I struggled with writer’s block for a year, barely managing to etch out more than a single verse of something awful the whole time. I was walking home across the Brooklyn Bridge one night, questioning my place in the world, contemplating giving up music and doing something more substantial. I sort of felt that I wasn’t doing anything that actually mattered. But I looked out at the skyline, all silvery and strange and in typical self-indulged frontman fashion, I began to revel in this moment of abandon, of self-hate. As a result, I think I stumbled across a kind life-affirming axiom; that in a cosmos potentially absent of meaning, and an existence devoid of objective value, I have an opportunity to invent my own meaning. We all do. We can ascribe meaning and value to our own lives and in a way, attribute great esteem and value to each other as a result.
All of us as adults, from youth to old age are drunk, stumbling around in the dark looking for a kebab. I’m scared and unsure, and I want to acknowledge this rather than repress it, or allow cynics to denigrate me because of it. So the song is about becoming more human, more aware and I guess in a way, more alive.”
I read and reread this quote with fever. While the comprehension, at first, evaded me, it became clear as soon as I squinted hard enough to view a mentality from within my past self. Standing next to a now thickened bubbling cream sauce, I was simply floored. Here was a person of substantial fame and status, who was also a vulnerable, normal, human being - prone to suffering, loss, and the tumultuous throes of the human condition. Perspective is always necessary, and a lifting of the veil can seem so fascinating.
A sense of relief had washed over me, a weight dropped from my mental being and shoulders. While a peering insight into Dave Le’aupepe’s brain was of course incredibly fascinating, this wasn’t what initially caught me off guard. I had forgotten where I belong - my seemingly insignificant place in the vast void of the universe. As cliche as it may sound, from that moment forward, I felt a bit lighter. Perspective, again, is always necessary.
Carl Sagan’s speech, Pale Blue Dot, and the accompanying famous photo which was a genesis for said speech, have always been a constant in my life. A humbling reminder of the literal bigger picture, and how we should view ourselves from the big bang beginning. Swaddling myself in the grandeur of the universe is such a remarkable comfort. In the purest form, our existence is trivial… And it’s stunningly beautiful.
Over this past year (maybe extending even further back), there’s been a feeling as though I’ve experienced amnesia of this endearing philosophy. While the lack of its past presence is noticed, the timing for some mental clarity is quite sublime. Living in a metropolitan city has major benefits, but the lack of clear night sky due to light pollution is a significant negative. Regardless, welcome home, old friend. Please, stay a while.
Maybe for you, dear reader, this philosophy causes discomfort. A grand assumption, but in this context, it’s perfectly acceptable to ascertain that this idea surfaces questions of one's own existence, meaning, and mortality. I lack the definitive answers of a deeper understanding on a case-by-case personal basis. As frightening as challenging one’s existence may be, I do recommend sitting and enveloping yourself in this initially dreadful feeling. Question your place in the universe. Better yet, find a dark unpolluted light area near you for night sky viewing, and ask the gargantuan void the meaning of existence. If you watch closely, you’ll beautifully receive nothing but the twinkling of stars as a reply. Hopefully, with enough time, the light from distant dead orbs will assuage you. They have for me, and I’m now grasping their necessary influence on my wellbeing.
Until you’re able to run amok to the countryside (or even your own backyard), maybe this essay will help be a guiding light in your development:
https://aeon.co/essays/just-a-recent-blip-in-the-cosmos-are-humans-insignificant
5 Great Bands To Dive Into (via Bandcamp!)
Work Wife - Quitting Season (Vulnerable sad girl folk from Brooklyn)
Kelela - Raven (Soothing electronic R&B)
We Are The City - In A Quiet World (Minimal, almost stripped, progressive rock from Canada. One of my favorite albums.)
Àbáse - Laroyê (Funky Hungarian jazz hip-hop fusion)
Bon Enfant - Bon Enfant (Fun quirky French Canadian indie rock/pop)
3 Good Things Lately
We were finally blessed by cloudy higher ups with a decent snowfall in the NYC area at the end of February
Good dog at the snowy dog park About a year into the pandemic, I decided to give rollerblading a try. After trying it out a few times, they fell to the wellside with the world beginning to gradually open back up. Despite all this, I hung on to them throughout my moves - and I’m glad I did! Started to pick it back up again as spring approaches and we’ve had a few days on the warmer side. Being near the park doesn’t suck either.
While I plan to do a fuller write up later on, a few weeks back, we visited the West Coast, driving from LA to Joshua Tree to Phoenix! Joshua Tree is a fascinating place, and while you won’t find lush forests or sandy beaches, the natural beauty is non-traditional, and invites you on a journey of inquiry into what lies beneath.
Craigslist; Or, How I Learned To Love The Chaos
Google Map Reviews
Another entertaining past time lately has been loading up Google Maps, searching for a specific item, and laugh as the review algorithm spits out a bad review for a business:
Why yes, I do search for a lot of breakfast related items.
All For Now
See you soon, and remember, we’re nothing but a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.
Cornelius
PS: While compiling/writing this post, I enjoyed the companionship of the band Akusmi (more specifically, the album Fleeting Future), this article about a tycoon who brought zebras to California (who are now literally wild), and the word ‘vestigial’ (a very small remnant of something that was once much larger).