Crustaceans Of The Cross
"When you saw only one set of crab tracks, it was then that I carried you."
This may be the stupidest comedy piece I’ve ever written. Apologies in advance - Happy Easter! For all you guilty sinners, "Stations of the Cross", for reference.
Crab Jesus is brought before Guy Fieri and other seafood aficionados for referring to himself as “King of the Crustaceans”. Guy condemns Crab Jesus to be eaten at CrabFest, now back at Red Lobster.
Following his condemnation to culinary doom, Crab Jesus is handed a Florida state shaped cast-iron skillet, which he is to carry to the kitchen of the Times Square Red Lobster where he'll meet his delicious buttery fate.
Walking along 7th Ave, Crab Jesus trips and falls, scratching the interior of the cast-iron, approximately where Tampa would be. Onlookers argue amongst themselves on the best way to reseason a cast-iron.
Near Penn Station, Crab Jesus encounters his mother, Crab Mary, and they talk about how lame this situation is and how she would rather not see him eaten. Mothers, right?
Seeing Crab Jesus struggling under the weight of his state of Florida shaped cast-iron, a helpful tiger shrimp named Simon of the Shrimps scuttles over and offers to assist Crab Jesus in carrying his culinary burden. Crab Jesus promises Simon he’ll definitely won’t forget him when he returns the second coming, but then Crab Jesus realizes Simon will probably be dead by then, and that kinda bums him out.
A compassionate clam named Veronica slides over and offers to wipe the salt water and sand from Crab Jesus' shell. Crab Jesus thinks she’s kinda hot (for a clam). Should he have given her his number? He blames himself for always missing the window, but then realizes he’s going to die anyway so it doesn’t matter.
Despite his best efforts, Crab Jesus slips and falls into a rogue pile of (hopefully) dog shit. He’s so sick of this city, who the hell doesn’t pick up after their dog? Crab Jesus realizes maybe they won’t eat him if he’s covered in dog shit.
Crab Jesus meets the European Tourists at the entrance to the Times Square Red Lobster, smelling like garbage and rotting seafood. This is pretty much the diet of all Europeans, so Crab Jesus’ hope is now lost.
Crab Jesus slips on a puddle of old grease in the kitchen of the Times Square Red Lobster. Seriously, who is this disregardful of safety in the workplace, someone could seriously get injured. While Crab Jesus contemplates contacting OHSA, Guy Fieri bursts through the kitchen of Red Lobster in a 1963 Lamborghini, absolutely demolishing the outside facade and the smoking area where waiters hook up. Guy leaps out of his Lamborghini, and snatches Crab Jesus by his claws somehow.
Guy Fieri licks his lips as he tosses Crab Jesus into a boiling pot of water. After 15 min, Guy Fieri pulls apart Crab Jesus like a child ripping open a pack of Pokemon cards. Crab Jesus doesn’t scream, because Crab Jesus has no vocal chords nor voice box, he only communicates telepathically.
Crab Jesus is served on a silver platter with a generous side of fries, cocktail sauce, and a lemon wedge. The European Tourists remove the pins keeping him from sliding around on the platter, put on their bibs, then ask the high school aged waiter how you’re supposed to eat crab.
Crab Jesus is for sure dead. If you were hoping for a resurrection or something, that is not this story. How could that even be possible, he was literally torn to shreds and eaten.
Following the feast, Crab Jesus' shell is recycled into seafood stock, ensuring that his spirit lives on in every bowl of chowder, crab bisque, and in the clogged arteries of all who knew him… and ate him.
Remember, every time you look up into the Northern night sky, you can see Crab Jesus in the constellation of Cancer. And if you happen to be born between June 21 - July 22, you can tell people that because of Crab Jesus’ legacy, it’s hard to emotionally trust anyone who might rip out your insides and feed you to hungry tourists. And if you look close enough, you can see Crab Jesus carrying the cast-iron skillet shaped like the state of Florida, a reminder to never go there, ever.
